Well today marks two years since we lost our precious little girl. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Early that morning Dr. Anthony Johnson came in and said "Okay lets do an ultrasound and check on the babies." As I lay there with Scott by my side, both completely exhausted, he began to perform the ultrasound. Within 20 seconds he took his glasses off, shook his head and laid his glasses down. The thought never occurred to me that he was disturbed and something was wrong. After it was all over and months later Scott said he knew by the look on his face we had lost one or both and he was just trying to figure out how he was going to comfort me. He continued the ultra sound taking measurements, etc.. and then he gave us the most awful news of our life. He simply said "Kari, I am so sorry but we only have one heartbeat." I said "which one did we loose the Donor or Recipient?" He said "we lost the Recipient twin." We knew at that point Emma was gone forever and Avery was fighting for her life.
As upset as we were we both knew that God's will was being done. The night of the surgery we read God's word and prayed to the Lord that He would allow us to have two healthy baby girls and that if one of them was not going to have quality of life and endure a life of suffering and/or pain we would rather Him take her home to live with Him. I think that prayer was the hardest prayer we have prayed as a couple. We had to put our earthly selfish wants to the side and let go and let God.
After hearing the news we were both so ready to leave the hospital and the whole way home we held hands and cried. It was the longest drive of our lives. We had to make a stop at the pharmacy before we could go home. As we were waiting for my prescription to be filled Scott turned the radio on to KSBJ and the song entitled "Captivate Us" By Watermark began to play. As we listened to the words "Captivate us Lord Jesus, Set our eyes on you, Devastate us with your presence falling down" we cried like babies and thought to ourselves "Wow God you are right here, right now, speaking to us. We are not alone."
That day was so long and we were so paralyzed. As I laid in bed that night it was the loneliest night in the world. Emma was the bigger twin and moved around much more than Avery, so when I laid down that first night 3/4 of my stomach was completely still. No movement, no tossing and turning like every other night before she passed away. I remember feeling sorry for Avery because Emma was no longer alive to kick and play with. I cannot describe the loneliness and horror of knowing that I was carrying two babies but only one was alive and it was very apparent by the stillness that night. Since that night I have never slept the same. Something about you changes when you lose a child. My heart literally ached from grief and no one could take that pain away.
Days, weeks, months, and now two years have passed and that pain is still there. Part of my heart and Scott's heart is gone and our family is incomplete. So how do we get through each day? Hope. We have hope and know that Emma is resting in the arms of our Saviour and that she is complete. She has never known sin, never known pain and will never experience sorrow. For that we are truly blessed. We are the ones that have suffered not Emma. She is perfect in every way and one day (hopefully soon) we will hold her in our arms and spend eternity getting to know her and that is what we find comfort in.
Thank you, all that are reading this, for all of your support, your love, prayers and for not discounting her or forgetting her. Lundy, thank you for including her in your wedding program as a loved one. Amber, thank you for mentioning her name to Caden in your prayers to him at night. Lane, thank you for always talking about her and keeping her memory alive. Mom and Dad, thank you for being so sensitive and staying with me night after night after we lost her. Just knowing you both were there was such a comfort. Nannie, for taking care of me when I couldn't take care of myself and for holding me day after day as I cried. So many friends and family stepped up to the plate and sent so many beautiful cards, meals, flowers and phone calls. As I look back on all of the events since that day so many of you have been so supportive and caring and you will never know what that means to our family.
I think it is appropriate today to show you a picture that Karen Moise RN, (her husband, Kenneth Moise, performed the laser ablation surgery on the twins) took of Emma.
Emma's tiny legs and feet.
Emma's handprints and footprints.
Emma, We love you so much and talk about you often. Your memory is alive and well and your brother and sister love you very much. Lane has taught her how to say your name and it is so precious. Your brother enjoys picking out flowers to put on your grave and said that we have to celebrate today because it is your 2nd birthday in heaven! He said we need to buy a cake because you are special! Mommy and Daddy love you so much and promise we will be home soon!
Love always, Daddy, Mommy, Lane and Bella
Reading their poem aloud.
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